I am ! the ex used to harp on so much that i was this closed up person . I had my theories of self preservation , and now i know why . I fear rejection, i fear hurt , ive been hurt once . it's sad that couple of teenage scars have changed my entire life, but i feel that it makes me safe. it has , for all this time. 

but i thought id learn to let go of it . Truly open up myself to that one person , who will want me for who i am . to freely love, to give my all with no hesitation , to spend my time and energy for him, thinking about him , giving my love to him . we did have an awful start , and his love for me is still a question . Is it real ? or is it mere infatuation ? Is he looking for something more ? But i guess ,sometimes I'm not good enough for myself .I forget that I'm a prize , I forget that I'm precious. I believe that when I don't  , I quite can't expect someone else to think that way. But I thought , let's forget it . Open up your heart. I did. I cried. I told him , my fears. My need of longing to be with him. How he is a part of me, how I haven't been the same with his departure. How much Ive changed as a person changing my beliefs for him . During this outburst, he chooses to say " hey wait a second " and makes a phone call to his cousin to feel " family" . At that point , I felt like my heart was ripped out and bulldozed over million times. Pardon me for been overdramatic, but I'm never used to being so vulnerable with someone. He spent good 6 minutes talking to his cousin , which felt like an eternity to me . I started thinking , wow , so he doesn't really care now , does he ? What do I do now ? do I hang up ? what are you going to say to him ? This relationship is just budding , is this an early sign ? He gets back and say , I'm sorry , what were you saying  ? I don't remember . ... I couldn't speak. For the first time in my life, I just went completely quiet , wow, what do I say to that ? here I am ripping my heart for him , and it just flies over him. what does one do ? It's been 12 hours since this happened, and I'm still speechless. Is this bad karma for cheating on my supernice ex boyfriend ? I was right , he can never be replaced. But I guess he was too good for me . Do i miss him ? Yes , at moments like this I do. Do I want to be with him ? I don't think so , he was a safe bet . I guess he truly loved me , but I think it's too late for me to turn back, and I don't want to . If I did, I would be thinking about HIM , sadly , I want him , so bad that i doubt if he wants me the same way. I hate that feeling ,and I hope it goes away ...........

u cant really blame paris hilton for hosting a BFF reality show. Dumb , yes i know .But it's really hard. I'm there for my friends all the time . But them ? never . I call them , see how they are . make sure everything's ok. I go chaperone them for crying out loud . And none of them bothers to check on me . Just give me a ring . If they do, it's just to talk about their problems. Nevertheless , im there! :( i feel so sad man. seriously! i have this pain heaving in my heart and i really want it to go away. i have problems , but despite of em , im there! HOw come ???

i guess it's time to really look at myself, cuz I've to be open and honest with someone ! I know there is a bf waiting for my affection , but I still hide. and I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I realized that I still hold a grudge. Me, who always had it together , still has so much hatred towards that old boyfriend, who was a worthless piece of ass. It's time to let go really , since it's been 3 years . It isn't anything like I'm not over him , I am, fully! It's just the damage on my slightly existed self esteem that was caused by that relationship I'm still trying to mend. I always called myself ugly , for the most part , not ok or happy with what i saw on the mirror. Cuz no one really liked it , but they did the person inside. And it's funny how, I expect people to be judgemental of me , thinking that I'm ugly and I wouldn't be accepted. Those over grown eyebrows , how everyone calls me fat , ugly , girlystache and all that. It's all so tough really.
and let's face , a part of me ,wants to be a part of that crowd . The crowd that has parties once every week, who gets dressed up scantily and get drunk every weekend. or maybe I like to have 1000 odd pictures on my FB account just to show the world what a happening life ive got. But at the same time ive realized, do those pictures say anything ? Does that mean their lives are perfect ? It could be full of drama for all i know . or maybe it could self inflicted shit that they put them through. Maybe i just wanna be famous, or a be tad bit popular . coupling it with the fact that I could be prettier and a little rich to do the things i want . have that whole beverly hills life going on for me , honestly . I guess that's why i just go through all those profiles on the so called "popular" people on FB stalking their profiles, wishing i had their life. I gues even my best friend is guilty of doing this. But she's got it all , she's just not OUT there. Anyway, they say becareful what u wish for .